Cell phone shitting...

I found this post over at mountainsanatorium.net because I thought it was mountain santorum of spreadingsantorum fame (thanks Dan Savage).

Anyway, thanks "Pedro":

Here's a little ditty about something that happened to me today at work.

So, I score my favorite stall today and I'm psyched. Dude walks in and, of course, picks the fucking stall right next to mine. Great. THEN I hear "What's up man?" Not a bit amused by this random dude's attempt at camaraderie, it takes me by such surprise that my sphincter contracts and pulls a king Solomon on a steamer that's half way to freedom. Great. Don't you hate it when that happens. You wind up having to wipe like 50 times just to feel remotely clean.

Anyhoo, I ignore his attempt at stall-to-stall conversation and he blurts out "I can hear you." Whoah, now this is just getting down right creepy. You can fucking hear me? Hear me shitting?? At this point I'm willing to flee without wiping, but it gets worse. "So what time you wanna meet up tonight?" At this point I've had it. I'm being propositioned by a dude taking a shit at work. I so don't need this.

Then it hits me. Fucker's talking on a cellphone WHILE TAKING A SHIT. You know when you're on the line w/ your girlfriend and she takes you into the bathroom and you can hear her pee. I'm fine w/ that. But first, not only do I not carry my cellphone to take a shit at work, even if I happen to be on the line w/ someone and I go into labor (so to speak), I just say "I gotta run, dude, I'm late for a meeting" or, quite honestly, if it's an old friend I'll just say "Lemme call you back, man, I gotta take a dump."

In retaliation I violently flush the toilet numerous times and can only hope that the guy's buddy on the other line was like "are you talking me while taking a shit at work, dude?"

I can't w/ these people anymore, I just can't . . .